-=[17th Jan 2004, Saturday]=-
Feeling: drained… emotionally & physically; venue:My home
Went back to school for the CCA open house. Got swarmed by the kids. HOW I MISS THEM SO MUCH!!!!! ESPECIALLY MY ‘BLACK METALS’. This group black metals is a group of 4 Indians girls, namely Siti Asmah, Darishena, Maha Laxshimi and Hema Darshini. I was so excited that I hugged them! I almost teared when I hugged them. They were the only kids that I hugged. Sighs..
Afternoon met up with Kelvin, Robin, Chua, Delong. Kelvin left for work at 7pm while the rest of us played de CashFlow boardgame. It was fun ;) Heeeeeeee….. From this game, we can see our friend’s character very well. From that session, I can see that Robin is a person who is NON-selfish, super generous, very loyal to friends, will go to LONG EXTEND to help his friends. Even interms of financial. In a nutshell, he is a GOOD GUY. I wanna thank GOD for having this friend in my life. THANK YOU GOD. And Delong also! I was so touched. He bought me a jack knife, to wish me all the best in my new career in SPF. I was speechless when he gave it to me. I was very touched. I wanted to hug and give him a peck on de cheeks but I didn’t do so ;) Coz he is too shy a guy. Heeeee If I really did so, I will scare him away le. For Good. AAhhh… GOD HAS BEEN WONDERFUL TO ME. He is constantly pouring angels into my life as my friends. What can I say? Nothing I can say to express the appreciation of this great blessing that my loving ABBA FATHER has given to me. THANK YOU MY DEAR FATHER IN HEAVEN
Actually a few days ago I was already wondering if encik will bring Andrew along. Frm his pattern I know that he will just do so. But I really dunno… anyway the thought of him coming along never bothered me until when I actually saw him. All of us (except Steve and his gf) squeezed into encik’s car to go over to the pasir panjang there, wanted to makan. Chua was sitting in front(coz he is de biggest). Behind had (in the order of right to left) Andrew, Delong, me and Robin (I told Delong to enter 1st). I felt so awkward suddenly. Andrew didn’t speak to me. so I opened my mouth to him and said
“Eh u haven’t die yet ah?”
Andrew’s reply “haven’t haven’t. but going to die soon.” Then both of us laughed. Robin went “Wah Anna your this sentence very cruel leh.”
My reply “No mah, we both always suan each other like this.” Then we all laughed again.
I just sms weiying about this. Told her that it felt real good. Its like some kind of a sweet getback? Frankly speaking I also dunno why I will do so. But I just did. It felt real good for awhile …. As we sat down and joined in by Steve (he has sent his gf home and thus came over to join us), as usual encik suan me abt my new job and so on and so forth. But of coz I didn’t mind lah. He always suan me anyway. When I had time to keep quiet, everything just came back to me again. I felt the pain and lost that I had felt 3yrs ago in 2001. There is this certain anger in me. An anger that didn’t last long though. Coz it was turned very quickly into pain and sadness. I felt sooo …. Shitty…. So Shameless.. why was I so clingy? Why did I send that email just 2mths ago or so? Why am I still so clingy? Have I got NO brains at all? Wasn’t it clear already 3years ago? The idea I had was so foggy then. But again can u blame me? I am not pushing away the blame but from how he started, de on-going process and de sudden change. How am I supposed to know anything? He was just not clear enuff! In facts the words that he used at the end GAVE MEANING THAT THERE MAY STILL BE HOPE. Thus I thought then that it was a good idea to just speak up what is in my mind to clear air up by sending the mail. But Nopes it wasn’t cleared. It made me felt so much more WORSE!! Coz that SOB didn’t reply my freaking email!!!!!!!! It is not just an ordinary email. It was an email meant to clear things up once and for all. So that in future it will be easier to remain as friends. But nope that SOB just didn’t reply and let things continue hanging-in-mid-air manner.
I kept very quiet at my table. Was msging my frens. Wilson replied about the msgs (coz I also told him) DeLong noticed my sadness and sms me not to be so sad. He actually noticed and yet that SON OF THE BITCH did not even move! I dunno if he really didn’t see or what. Delong is just simply so sweet. He thought that it was encik suan me that’s why I remained quiet, so he kept msging me to tell me not to bother abt him etc. Heh both of us very cartoon, sitting just 1 person away yet smsing to each other. Anyway I spoke to Steve instead. Thanked him for being such a motivator. He said to thank God, not thank him. Of coz. God has used him as a tool to motivate me. Steve was so open about his encounter with God and sent email to a lot of us about it. Seriously all his sharings really motivated me to get back to God too. Ok gist of the story is this. As I was talking to Steve, I started mentioning that I am now a changed person, God should be telling me to let go of stuffs (because I remembered what Christy had told me while helping to pack my stuffs. “Anna, LET GO”). Suddenly it dawned upon me that God is also asking me to let go of THIS very hurt and experience and whatever “unsettled” questions and experience. Yes I felt so. I fought back the tears, endured the pain. I felt so sad. So freaking sad. In fact sad is an understatement. Melancholy? But the word melancholy sounded so mild too. I felt like a leechy-trash. To make it worse, a shameless leechy-trash.
On my way home in the cab with Chua, we were just talking about my new job, how I missed my kids, de school etc. (*note. Frankly speaking I DIDN’T want to let that SOB know of my new job etc. even if I were to die or what ever I also DUN want him to know. WHERE WAS HE WHEN I NEEDED THAT HELP? WHERE WAS HE WHEN I NEEDED HIM THE MOST? NOT BY MY SIDE AT ALL. I DUN NEED HIM TO CARE AT ALL.) I teared upon thinking of my kids. But of coz, the tears were further boosted by the sadness and pain of …. I told Chua,
“I think by having this new job, God is also helping me to let go completely, of all bad memories and experiences that I had during the years of teaching, and to bring along with me, the good sweet memories.” I seriously do think so.
I also felt that this meeting may be arranged by God, to let me once again, face my sadness that has bonded me for 3 years, for the very last time. After which I will be set free from the yolk of this bondage. Its like some kind of a finale........
xia0miLk scribbled at 2:40 am.
(0) Tears of the bear
-=[8th Jan 2004, Thursday]=-
Feeling: very hurt, very sad; venue: a neater computer place
So sad. While on de phone, the entire trauma came back fresh into my head. All the feelings of fear and the mental breakdown came back so freshly. EVERYTHING IS SO SCARY. Actually the word ‘scary’ and ‘fear’ is just an understatement to what went thru. I really dunno the exact words to describe it. But it is so. I felt so alone. But of coz. NOBODY can carry the burden and fear. Only I alone can. Just like as in LOTR, nobody can carry the burden of the ring except Frodo. God can ease my pain. God knows exactly how I feel and what I went thru. I believe and I know that God put me thru that trauma for a real purpose. By going thru that trauma, I am also being broken down completely so that I God can fill me with his presence again. THANK YOU GOD!!
Jianming said by listening to the HillSong cd, I am doing a mind therapy. I felt very hurt. Just as hurt as wad dat other person said dat I was fake to cry in service. Everybody connect to God in different ways. Why cant I get connected to God from the songs?!?!!?!??!
‘Amazing grace, how sweet the sound. That saved a wreck like me. I once was lost, but now I am found. Was blind but now I see’
xia0miLk scribbled at 2:37 am.
(0) Tears of the bear
-=[8th Dec 2003, Monday]=-
Feeling: thinking caps on; venue: my home
Juz watched the show MATRIX today with Eric, Daven and Benjamin. During the show where Neo got blinded onwards, a lot of thoughts ran thru my mind. 1stly when Neo got blinded, the previous 2 stories of Matrix also came back into my mind. Somehow the story linked to JESUS CHRIST the saviour of the world also. JESUS was sought after as a public enemy as his miracles came to light. Finally he self-sacrificed and died on the cross for all of us so that we are all saved by grace. Now the links:
NEO JESUS CHRIST
Neo was identified to be the saviour of the human race JESUS was the saviour of us
Neo realizes the fact that he is DE saviour and knew that in order to win the John Smiths, he has to sacrifice himself; he has to die before he can win them and save their human race. He died so that his race could live on in peace. When Neo died, his body was held up in that ‘cross-like’ posture. JESUS knew that he had to listen to GOD, and that he had to die on the cross so that our human race can have eternal life. By grace our sins have been cleared because JESUS took it away from us 2000years ago
xia0miLk scribbled at 2:35 am.
(0) Tears of the bear
-=[22nd Nov 2003, Wednesday]=-
Feeling: very hurt; venue: a neater computer place
A very good buddy of mine commented that I was being very fake to cry in service. I was taken aback. Can’t I cry during service? He commented that he find it very fake for Christians to cry in service. As if to purposely show the world that he/she Loves GOD. He also commented that he finds it meaningless and useless to sing those praise and worship songs. I was even more speechless. Isn’t music and dancing invented from GOD? We use that to worship our beloved GOD. GOD wants us to put him 1st. To love him with all our heart, mind and soul. He IS a Christian (as he claims). So why does he say such bitter comments? Probably he thinks I am just trying to boast about the positive comment that Azli mentioned. But I was NOT! The tears are all uncontrollable!! It juz flowed from the heart! What can I say…….
xia0miLk scribbled at 2:32 am. (0) Tears of the bear