-=[7th Nov 2003, Friday]=-
Feeling: sleepy and shitty; venue: sucky staffroom surrounded by 38
Dear God,
I feel so empty. I feel so demoralized from the interview. God you MUST let me have de job please. I really need to leave this place. PLUS I really need that new job. I am so afraid. I know that if i have faith, fear will not exist. I will try my very best to stand firm. God I can't help but to complain about the 38 around me. Yeah the English dept ppl. ALL 38! Argh. I feel so bullied by her. CCA she siams, deployment she so intelligently and craftly pushes away de bad classes and manages to somehow subtlety put de blame on me. Sad I am.
xia0miLk scribbled at 9:28 pm.
(0) Tears of the bear
-=[2nd Nov 2003, Sunday]=-
Feeling: thrilled and wanted =p; venue: my messy computer table in the hall
Arh, permed and highlighted my hair today. EXTREMELY EXCITED AND HAPPY ABOUT IT. Felt so fresh. A New look, a New me, a New life. I love the colour especially. It is the type that I had always wanted. But there is a problem though, how am I gonna face the P and VP? They are sure gonna ground me for it. Oh well, just gotta play a game of hide-and-seek with them den. =P
Entered the salon at abt 11am, left at around 3pm. Woah, quickly rushed over to Suntec City. I was very excited. Its been a long time since I last attended church. I miss worshipping God with the masses. I had to find excuses to attend service. I arrived at The Rock, where New Creation Church have their main services every Sunday at about 3.45pm. the service was due to start at 4.15pm. WOW a long que had formed. I was VERY HUNGRY but didn’t wanna miss it the service, thus just endured on and queued. They also sang songs from Hillsongs CD. 2 praises and 1 worship. Hhmmm the moment the praise session started, I already started to tear. When worship came, I weeped like a baby. Man, the atmosphere was great! I was singing at the top of my voice, almost like shouting. I really enjoyed myself so much. Thank you God for the phenomenal experience.
‘Amazing grace, how sweet the sound. That saved a wreck like me. I once was lost, but now I am found. Was blind but now I see’
xia0miLk scribbled at 9:28 pm.
(0) Tears of the bear
-=[30th Oct 2003, Thursday]=-
Feeliing: emotional; venue: hall of my tiny and messy abode
Collected my class photo today. Had 1 formal and informal version. Had a good look at it on my dad’s cab while traveling home. Observed each of my fav students in details. Suddenly I miss my class very much. Got very emotional. I love MOST of them. Called up Junda and asked abt the basketball match. He told me they got into finals. I was thrilled. Actually I had already expected them to get into finals for top3. They ALWAYS play basketball together. Anyway back to the photograph. Yeah I missed them so much. Not all but most ;P Flashback to 2years back, on that fateful day during my ncc camp, I got to know that I will not be following my then form class 1/10 to sec2. I was to be the form teacher of the incoming sec1(NT) class which is 1/3. I was shattered. I loved that class 1/10 then. I wanted to follow them up to sec2, be there for them just like how I did when they were in sec1. I was also afraid. Afraid to take on a N(T) class. Afraid that I will not be able to handle and discipline them. But well, my fears were all in vain. I had forgotten that God will not give me anything that I am not able to handle. I was blessed to have Karen Chen to help me discipline them for de 1st 2 mths. She definitely did a wonderful job instilling fear into their then fresh minds, therefore letting me to be able to control them better when she is gone. Hahaha ;P Yeah I always catch their hair, skirt, socks etc. I still remember it started off real good, until as days go by, most of de Chinese girls start to claim that I practice biasness and treated the next class better. Well not true. De fact is, the Chinese girls from the next class had better character, not as bitchy and gossipy as u-know-who(S). They are very simple people with no hidden agenda. Heh but nvm. I loved most of the N(T) kids. Had a total of 3 different co-forms. WOah the last one really cut my back real deep with multiple scars siah. Deep until hidden meaning words/sentences came up during our planning retreat. Even the unrelated HOD also got to hear about her whines. Oh well, up till now, I am still trying very hard to ‘love thy enemies’. Yeah I really do! End of year came, deployment of class came, I was to follow-up my 1/3. I was like.. shucks… gotta see those girls again, but nvm lah. My co-form is Miss Chai. Man she is GREAT I tell u!! Thank You God for putting me and Miss Chai together. We both worked together very well. Both of us are anything-goes kind. We are both willing to do work. In fact she did MOST of the work. I am VERY GRATEFUL for it. Really. THANK YOU SUK CHING. U are simply GREAT. Besides Karen, Suk Ching also proved to me that there are wonderful co-forms around. Had another round of year with them. Again all those accusations etc but nvm.
Ok moral of the story, I realized that God had put me with them with a purpose. And again I didn’t realize it until God’s planned time. As stated, God has a purpose for all our situations. The purpose will be revealed only in his own timing. When I 1st entered the school in 2000, I was given a very good express class. It was such a breeze being their form teacher. The following year I took 1/10, which was the last class of the express classes. That was the class that I really loved and had wanted so much to follow them up. Though they are mischievous, I still had a great time with them. Some are of are so sincere and true, so human. Also never failed to bring me smiles. Next comes the 1/3 and following them up to 2/3 in the following year. God had prepared me for them by moving on slowly from a very good class, to a mischievous class, and lastly this N(T) class. God knows that I will go thru a very tough time in these 2 years of 2002 and 2003, thus giving me a very bunch of nice, ‘humane’, sincere (though very mischevious) students to keep me going and to perk up the occasional smiles during my lowest point in life. Yes my Lord, thank you for everything. Thank you for all the trials and tribulations and tests and finally breaking me down. Though extremely tough, u did not give me anything that I couldn’t handle. I had you to help me. All these are just to mould me to be a better me, a living witness for you. Thank you for all those opportunites to be able to share with people about you. Thank you for those angels that you had sent to keep me close to you, thus not wondering far. I love you God.
'God answers prayers in 3 ways. 1st, he says YES and he gives it to u. 2nd he says WAIT, and he gives u something BETTER. 3rd he says NO but he gives u something else which is the BEST for u.’
xia0miLk scribbled at 9:28 pm.
(0) Tears of the bear
-=[26th Oct 2003, Sunday]=-
Feeling: tired but satisfied; venue: hall of my tiny home
Dear God,
I am soooooo surprised. I am speechless. I mean, as you know that Melvin is quite a not-so-generous or rather he just dun show his emotions much or kinda a loner. Yet he actually planned and got a cake for my birthday!! (So I really DIDN’T expect to receive it …..) I have always treated him and Eric as buddies VERY CLOSE to my heart!!!! From the cakes and such, I know that I also have impacted him in some ways and the same level of friendship was reciprocated. =] Oh yeah my 2 of my kids, Fabian and Alex were also there. Heh, in their sms few days before, they actually stated. “You die die also must spend the day with us. We don’t wanna waste a day of u getting old.” Haha these kids… ;) Frankly I LOVE KIDS. THEY ARE SO SWEET. This is why I wanna enter teaching. The kids NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME SMILE. Of coz there will be times and days of frustrations caused by them, but oh well ;) Thank you God, for bringing them into my life.
xia0miLk scribbled at 9:26 pm.
(0) Tears of the bear
-=[20th October 2003 Monday]=-
Feeling: drowsy; venue: aloof staffroom
*yawns* the time now is about 1332hrs. Dang i am soooo drowsy. For all ppl who are sufferng from insomnia out there, try taking up marking of exam scripts. It works like a miracle! SOmehow i regret spending the weekend outside.. should haf just stayed hm for one weekend and mugged into my marking.. oh wel...
Heh i am pretty excited about tmr's selection assessment. Hope I get selected! Proclaiming this by faith in God and let it be God's will. SOmehow I am oledi prophesizing that I will be able to get this new job. Eg dis morning during staff contact time, I haf dis very "ORD" mood, mind just switched off totally and didnt pay attention at all. Even on sat as I was talking to Wilson and Benjamin, I oledi told them that they must stay on to help the in-coming officer (whoever that person will be. He/she better put in the same commitment and TLC to de kids... Or else... *clench fists*). Heh is dis faith? Hrmz.....
My gawd... the 3E.. i am utterly disappointed... hope they know what they are in for... If they wanna do well for the big Os, they better pull up their socks NOW. and its like either NOW or Never... So easy for me to mark... just put a BIG CROSS on alot of their questions... Well i will be most willing to sacrifice all my sleeps to exchange for A1s in their score... sighs .... God bless...
xia0miLk scribbled at 9:24 pm.
(0) Tears of the bear
-=[17th October 2003, Friday]=-
Feeling: emotionally teary; venue: darn staffroom
Dear Lord, I miss worshipping you in church among the mass with the congregation. While invigilating the Art Paper over in 2/6, i saw dis boy's pencil case with a band that says 'Jesus loves me'. I smiled so much. Kept thinking over it. The song entitled 'STILL' kept ringing in my mind. After the song, i just quickly went over to 3/10 to check that they are alrite with the paper, then rushed down to the staffroom to listen to this song. Concentrated hard on the lyrics, replayed the song again. I MISS GOING TO CHURCH. I just tot of the current ordeal that I haf now. Heck the harrassment. Heck the threats. Die then die. Of coz will fear at dat very moment, but I know you will keep me safe. I wanna just concentrate on establishing this walk with you. I know this ordeal will go off in a blink of any eye. U allow it to happen so as to make me grow stronger and correct my weakness of being fearful and gutless. Thank you God.
'With God in the center of my life, all things will come to place. AMEN.'
I just want to thank you once again for the angels that you haf sent to my life in many forms. No matter is human being or alien (haha ;P). Yeah so many that I just sooooooo lazy to state all. But in a nutshell, my beloved kids over in sch, the cyber A-I and a few others, my poly kakis, the dysfunkshion, the ncc frens, the church ppl whom i haf met b4, Christine, weiying, Melvin, Eric and any others whom I may haf left out by accident.
Thank you for everything. THANK YOU LORD!!
xia0miLk scribbled at 9:23 pm.
(0) Tears of the bear
-=[15th October 2003, Wednesday]=-
Feeling: emotionally disturbed; venue: hated staffroom
Well the final work review is over. I hate it as always. Actually i will love NOT to take on upper sec.. but I just want to see this current batch go thru. It is so unfair. Well life is never fair. Well dear God, i hope dis is according to ur will. So that i can improve. I am so anxious about the results of my application. I really want it to go through. I just want to be. Well I will pray for it myself. And hopefully in God's will, i can get it and go thru it with his strength *yeah!*
xia0miLk scribbled at 9:22 pm.
(0) Tears of the bear
-=[12th Oct 2003, Sunday]=-
Feeling: emotionally unstable; venue: staffroom(again?!?)
Today is 12th Oct'03. Hrmz 8 more days till the expiry date of the 3 containers of yogurts in my fridge. Must finish up! Well it also marks the day of me signin up for myspace.com. Hope dis time round, i dun need to change or sign up for another anymore. I hate changes. Well who doesnt? But well if the change is a necessity, den will just haf to accept it and follow accordingly loh. Well hope that I will be able to get dis final change. I will definitely miss those kids of mine.
Well prayer for the day.
"Dear Lord, I pray that this lesson and test is finally over. These few days have been peace. I pray for sanity and peace to all. I pray for a ending in accordance to your will. I know that after this, more will come. I have faith in you, i know that 1 day, i will be able to attend church openly again. And I want that to happen. I will also like to pray for the angels that you sent to me throughout the whole trial. Kids like liying, huizhen, yuwei, wilson, jackson, yeongcherng, Benjamin, daven etc, they are simply great! buddies like weiying, Christine, Eric, Melvin etc toooo. Yeah Thank you Lord. Praise ur name. In Jesus mighty name i pray, AMEN."
xia0miLk scribbled at 9:01 pm.
(0) Tears of the bear
-=[20th May 2003, Tuesday]=-
Feeling: drowsy; venue: my table in the staffroom
The time now is 1416hrs.. *yawns* i am falling asleep in this airconditioned room... wOoOoOooo today the canteen sold my fav food. Egg noodles and ladies finger! Hurrayyyyyy... heheheheh the guy told me that my noodle + veg costs $1. I manage to charm him into giving me more noodles and yet still charge me only $1. eheheeheehhehehe.... ;P Really enjoyed my lunch just now. Arh come to think of it, since i started consuming canteen food, i will patronise the very same stall every single day. Never change at all! wOoOo i am amazed at my loyalty. ;)
Almost got blinded by the handwriting of 1 of my sec3 boy. Its worse than the Tamil curves man (no offence to the language nor the ppl speaking). It is untidy, ugly, written in such a way that a magnifying glass also wouldnt help in my reading. After marking his work, i felt like a male chicken. Why? cockeye mah!! Another case from his good fren, even worse. He had his researches printed out in YELLOW INK!! The bright glaring yellow had blacked me out for a few sec! I simply went “AAAaaaAAAAaaaarrrrrrrrrRRRrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhHHHHHHHhhhhhhh” and was desperately trying to search for a pair of sunglasses. I ALMOST WENT BLIND. I had to wear a pair of sunglasses to continue reading the rest of his pages. Just in case bright orange colour starts to flash before my eyes again. I decided to write a comment on his front cover. It goes something like this “HellO Jonathan. You want intend to blind me with your yellow ink issit? Well this is not exactly a great and foolproof way to seek revenge you know”. *humPh* Back in class must bitch him about it. Hiak hiak hiak ;P
ohmigawd... i need cawfeee now... ZzZzZzZzzz.. i need caaaaawwwwwwwfeeeeeeeeeee.......zz............
Today i saw an sms that my student sent me. He told me that his gf had broken up with him and he felt sad. Aawww...... felt like hugging and ruffling his hair and say to him "I know what you mean. I know exactly how you feel coz i have been there b4. I want you to know that there are other people out there who really care for you". I know that he must be feeling terrible. I can only talk to him to make him feel better. Of coz i will always be ready to talk to him if he needs to lah. Well i am like his elder sis mah! Just yesterday i asked him to go and view this chinese flash, off this website. This flash is a very sad flash about love. Very very sad... go view it if you have the chance. I was saddened by it too. At the last part, i myself also almost cried... sighs... :( *tries hard to hold back tears* ... Go view it if you have the chance... Do increase the volume of your speaker.. http://211.152.65.137/20020915_cao/11957/love1.swf
xia0miLk scribbled at 8:59 pm.
(0) Tears of the bear
-=[19th May 2003, Monday]=-
Feeling: sleepy; venue: staffroom as usual
(Time now is 1600hrs. *yawns*) End of another boring and tiring day in school. And Yup I wasted my time again… geesh… why am I always wasting time. Today I wasted time by playing my all-time favourite game, ‘Mahjong solitaire’!! Yeah… I lurrrrrrrvvvvvveeeeeeee You yahoo.com!! Games! Dun u juz simply lurve and hate them? It is again so WARM in the class! I almost fainted due to fatigue and tiredness… ZzZzZzzzz… tried so hard to keep my eyes open! Could feel the difference even clearer after my break. I SWEAR I felt like a piece of *ahem* LEAN (:P) meat that is being baked in the oven. *Note: Lean means to be trim with no fats. HAHAha ;P While invigilating other classes, I really miss my own class. The MISCHIEVIOUS-YET-CANT-HELP-BUT-TO-DOTE-ON-MONKEYS!!
Yeah… u lurve them yet they can also make ur boil manz. They (Most of them) are such wonderful, funny, humane, (and some, abit queer) characters. They are soooooooo cute!! Never fail to make me laff!! I really love them so much. Eg, this Ronald and Kim Lai, although they are good frens, but they also often quarrel/argue with each other. Sho NOISY!! Aiyoh cannot take it manz. Then there is this Pei Dee and Ronald, both of them are soooooooo similar in size and their THUNDEROUS VOICE! Geesh… so compatible the both of them. Hhmm I wonder if they will end up together in future…. *thinking* …. Ahahahhahahahahah OK kidding… I CANNOT visualize the din they will make.. *laff out very very loudly* sighs ;) These kids…. I may scold them like everyday, but little do they know dat I really love them alot. My heart will always pain whenever I punish them. Yeah… eg, juz 2 wks ago, I made my boys stand under the blazing sun (they were really out of hand). I may seem angry but my heart really pain manz. Especially for those innocent ones who were not involved at all. Sighs… somehow I juz cant help but to smile and sigh at the same time…. They are 1 of the best things that haf happened to me … Hhmmmm… I must learn to be more firm or else they will bully me even more… *clench fist*
xia0miLk scribbled at 9:33 am. (0) Tears of the bear